Choosing a couples therapist involves more than finding someone who works with relationships. Different therapeutic approaches focus on different parts of the relationship, and understanding those differences can help you choose a therapist whose style fits what you and your partner need.
Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, and the Gottman Method are two well-known approaches to couples therapy. Both can help couples improve communication, strengthen connection, and work through conflict, but they may approach relationship difficulties from different angles.
If you are considering couples therapy in New York City, asking the right questions during an initial consultation can help you understand how a therapist works and whether their approach matches your goals.
EFT vs. Gottman: What Is the Difference?
Before comparing therapists, it helps to understand the basic distinction between the two approaches.
EFT focuses heavily on emotional connection, attachment, and the patterns couples develop when they feel disconnected or threatened. Therapy often explores what is happening underneath recurring arguments and helps partners communicate deeper emotional needs more effectively.
The Gottman Method takes a structured approach to relationship functioning. It focuses on areas such as friendship, communication, conflict management, emotional connection, and patterns that can predict relationship dissatisfaction. Couples may learn specific skills for managing conflict and strengthening their relationship.
Neither approach is automatically the right choice for every couple. The therapist’s training, clinical judgment, experience, and ability to adapt treatment to the couple are also important.
6 Questions to Ask Before Choosing an EFT or Gottman Therapist
1. What Training Do You Have in EFT or the Gottman Method?
Start by asking what formal training the therapist has completed.
Someone who mentions EFT or the Gottman Method on a website may have general familiarity with the approach without having extensive training in it. Ask whether they have completed specific training, externships, core skills programs, or advanced coursework.
You can also ask how regularly they use the approach in their couples work.
At City Lights Psychology, Dr. Stephanie Simon, PsyD, Founder and Clinical Director, has completed an externship and core skills training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples through the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. She has also completed Gottman Level 1 training.
This combination allows her to draw from both approaches while tailoring the work to the couple rather than treating one model as a universal solution.
2. How Would You Approach Our Specific Relationship Pattern?
A therapist should be able to explain how they would think about your particular concerns, and the first meeting is often where that conversation begins, so it helps to know What Happens in the First Couples Therapy Session?
For example, perhaps you and your partner repeatedly argue about household responsibilities. Maybe one person feels emotionally neglected while the other feels constantly criticized. You may be struggling with intimacy, trust after infidelity, communication, parenting disagreements, or a major life transition.
An EFT-oriented therapist may explore the emotional and attachment dynamics underneath the conflict.
A Gottman-oriented therapist may examine communication patterns, conflict behaviors, friendship, emotional responsiveness, and specific relationship skills.
The important question is not simply which approach sounds better. It is whether the therapist can connect the approach to what is actually happening in your relationship.
3. Will Therapy Focus More on Our Emotions or on Practical Relationship Skills?
This question can help you understand what sessions may actually feel like.
EFT often places greater emphasis on identifying underlying emotions, attachment needs, vulnerability, and the relational cycle between partners. Couples may spend time understanding why particular interactions become emotionally charged and developing new ways of responding to each other.
The Gottman Method includes practical strategies that can help couples manage conflict, improve communication, strengthen friendship, and increase positive interactions.
Many couples benefit from both emotional exploration and practical tools, which you can read more about in Does Couples Therapy Actually Work? What the Research Says.
When speaking with a therapist, ask how they balance insight and skills. A good couples therapist should be able to explain how the work will address both the immediate communication problem and the deeper relationship pattern.
4. How Do You Handle Conflict When Both Partners Feel Stuck?
Conflict is often where the differences between therapeutic approaches become most noticeable.
Ask the therapist what they typically do when a couple becomes defensive, shuts down, escalates, or cannot agree.
An EFT therapist may focus on slowing down the interaction and identifying the underlying emotional cycle. The goal is to help partners recognize what they are experiencing and communicate vulnerable needs rather than remaining caught in reactive patterns.
A Gottman-oriented therapist may also examine behaviors occurring during conflict and introduce strategies for managing disagreements more effectively.
The therapist’s ability to recognize when a couple needs emotional processing versus practical communication strategies can be more important than choosing a label alone.
5. How Will You Know Whether Therapy Is Helping Us?
Couples therapy should not feel like an undefined process with no sense of direction.
Ask how the therapist evaluates progress.
Depending on your goals, progress might involve fewer repetitive arguments, improved communication, greater emotional responsiveness, better conflict repair, increased intimacy, or greater ability to discuss difficult subjects without becoming overwhelmed.
A therapist may also adjust the treatment approach as the relationship changes.
This is particularly important because couples rarely come to therapy with only one issue. A couple may begin with communication problems and later uncover attachment concerns, unresolved resentment, family dynamics, trust issues, or difficulties around intimacy.
Your therapist should be able to explain how treatment will evolve as those issues emerge.
6. How Do You Adapt Your Approach to Different Couples?
This may be one of the most important questions to ask.
A therapeutic model provides a framework, but couples are not identical.Their personalities, histories, attachment patterns, communication styles, cultural backgrounds, relationship structures, and current circumstances can all influence treatment, which is why even questions like Can Couples Therapy Work If We Live Separately? deserve an individualized answer.
Ask the therapist whether they primarily follow one structured model or integrate different approaches depending on the couple’s needs.
At City Lights Psychology, couples therapy incorporates approaches including Emotionally Focused Therapy, the Gottman Method, and Object Relations psychotherapy. This allows therapy to address both relationship patterns and the individual emotional experiences that influence them.
The goal is not to force every couple into the same therapeutic process. It is to understand what is happening in the relationship and determine what kind of intervention is most useful.
Should You Choose EFT or a Gottman Therapist?
There does not have to be a simple either-or answer.
EFT may be particularly appealing if you want to understand emotional disconnection, attachment needs, vulnerability, and recurring relational cycles.
A Gottman-informed approach may appeal to couples looking for structured strategies around communication, conflict management, friendship, and relationship skills.
Some couples may benefit from elements of both.
The therapist’s clinical experience and ability to adapt the work to your relationship are ultimately important considerations.
What Else Should You Consider When Choosing a Couples Therapist?
The therapeutic approach is only one part of the decision.
Consider whether the therapist has experience with the specific issue bringing you to therapy. You may also want to consider their experience working with couples navigating infidelity, attachment injuries, LGBTQIA+ relationships, family conflict, major life transitions, infertility, parenting, or other concerns relevant to your relationship.
Pay attention to how you feel during the consultation. You should have an opportunity to explain what brings you to therapy and ask questions about the process.
The goal is not to find a therapist who simply tells you which partner is right. Effective couples therapy should help both people understand the relationship dynamic and participate in changing it.
How City Lights Psychology Approaches Couples Therapy
At City Lights Psychology in Flatiron, Manhattan, couples therapy draws from attachment-focused and integrative approaches to help partners understand both the emotional and behavioral patterns affecting their relationship.
Dr. Stephanie Simon’s training includes Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples and Gottman Level 1 training, alongside Object Relations psychotherapy and other therapeutic approaches.
This allows couples to explore what is happening beneath recurring conflicts while also developing practical ways to communicate, repair, and strengthen their connection.
Whether you are dealing with ongoing conflict, emotional distance, trust concerns, intimacy difficulties, or a major relationship transition, the goal is to understand the patterns affecting the relationship and create more effective ways of relating to one another.
Conclusion
Choosing between an EFT-oriented therapist and a Gottman-informed therapist does not have to come down to which approach is considered universally better. Both offer useful frameworks for understanding and improving relationships, but the right fit depends on your concerns, goals, relationship patterns, and the therapist’s ability to apply their training thoughtfully.
Before choosing a therapist, ask about their training, how they understand your specific relationship pattern, how they balance emotional work with practical skills, how they approach conflict, how they measure progress, and how much they adapt treatment to individual couples.
At City Lights Psychology, couples can explore these questions during a consultation and learn more about an approach that combines attachment-focused work with practical relationship strategies.